I (18F) live with my dad and my stepmom (43F). My mom passed away when I was 10 after a long illness, and it’s still a sensitive subject for me. My stepmom came into the picture a couple of years later, but she actually knew our family before that. She was [e.g., a friend of my mom’s or someone who helped care for my mom during her illness] in the final stages of Mom’s life.
She’s always had this weird vibe — like she’s trying to compete with my mom even though my mom isn’t here. She gets snippy when I talk about her or wear anything that belonged to her (like my mom’s old necklace I wear basically every day), almost as if she feels her own contributions aren’t appreciated or seen.
Anyway, a few nights ago, we were out for dinner with my dad, stepmom, and her parents. Her mom asked about the necklace, and I said, “It was my mom’s. She gave it to me before she passed. I wear it every day.”
Stepmom immediately cut in with,
“Well, technically I’m your mom now. I’ve done more mothering in the last 8 years than she did in 10.”
I swear the whole table went silent.
I just laughed and said,
“If you think being a mom is about trying to erase the actual one, then yeah, you’ve been amazing.”
She looked like she’d been slapped. Her mom gasped – a weird, almost pained gasp, not just shock at rudeness. My dad told me to apologize, but I refused. I said I was tired of her acting like my mom never existed and trying to minimize her importance, and I wasn’t going to play along anymore, especially when she knows how much Mom went through towards the end.
Now my stepmom is barely speaking to me, and my dad says I “need to be the bigger person” because “she’s just trying to connect” and “feels like her efforts over the years, including before she was technically your stepmom, aren’t acknowledged.”
But to me, that comment didn’t feel like connection — that felt like cruel erasure and a twisted way to score points, even if there’s complicated history there. I feel like I stood up for my mom’s memory. But the reaction, including from her parents and my dad bringing up her past “efforts,” is making me wonder if I missed something, or if my reaction was too harsh given… everything.
AITAH for calling her out so harshly in front of everyone after that comment, even considering the complicated history between her, my mom, and our family?