I think this is a throw away account. If I figured out what that meant at least.
I’m a 42 year old man and my fiancé is a 36 year old woman. We’re getting married in October since Halloween is her favorite holiday. It’s an all black wedding and some of my family hasn’t been great about it. I’ve had to cut out some of my closest relatives for my fiancés comfort. I’ve also up rooted my entire life and career to move to a state she liked better since she is pro-choice and we previously lived in Texas.
However now I feel like she’s asking to much of me. She’s asking me to adopt her 12 year old son. I love her son and treat him as my own. Since I’ve met him I’ve called him one of my children. However I already have three children, two Daughters age 15 and 19, and a transgender son, age 17. I’m hesitant only because of a lengthy legal process to find his biological father and get him to surrender his parental rights, as well as the fact he’s already treated as my son. I’m also against closing that door on his biological father. She’s also brought up adopting my daughters and son but as a family unit we decided not to close that door on their biological mother. My children’s mother has been in and out of inpatient treatment for her schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, and some intense attempts. My stepsons father is in and out of rehab facilities, so my biological kids and my beautiful stepson are in a similar situation.
My fiancé brought it up as an idea for a Christmas present or a birthday present for my son. I love my stepson very dearly and I’m typically the one taking him to things like tennis games and polo games. Even doctors appointments it’s typically me doing the talking while my fiancé scrolls on her phone in the lobby or doing other such activities. I know it’s not for any sort of inheritance type thing. He’s been in my will since me and his mom hit our 1 year milestone stone. He was in my will before she was. I love him but the legal process is too much for me especially considering I’d be the one paying since my wife stays at home. However she said that if I’m not willing to adopt her son then she might call of the wedding. I’m kind of stuck at a cross road in my relationship right now.
This was kind of all over. My thoughts are scattered so putting them into words is difficult. I guess I just want to know if I’m wrong for saying I don’t want to adopt my soon to be stepson because of A the very lengthy and expensive court process and B I don’t want to cut out his father completely.
The Unexpected Twist: A few days after that conversation, I overheard my fiancée on the phone with someone. She sounded panicked. She was saying something about [mention a specific issue related to her son’s bio dad, e.g., “he’s getting out of prison earlier than expected,” or “he just threatened to fight for custody if he doesn’t get money,” or “he just got arrested on another serious charge and could lose his rights permanently if we act now”]. She was muttering about how the adoption needed to be finalized immediately to protect her son from a specific, imminent threat related to his bio dad. Her intense push for it, her lack of focus on other things, and her willingness to threaten the wedding… it wasn’t just a normal mother’s desire to solidify the family unit. It was panic, a reaction to a hidden crisis she hadn’t told me the full truth about.
As a side note my father was an addict so I didn’t meet him until I was 15 but he cleaned up. My father was my best friend until he passed in 2021 due to heart complications and an awful case of Covid-19.
AITAH for being hesitant and refusing to immediately adopt my fiancée’s 12-year-old son, citing the cost and complexity of the legal process and not wanting to completely cut off his bio dad, when my fiancée’s intense push and ultimatum were likely driven by a specific, imminent crisis related to her son’s bio dad that she hadn’t fully disclosed to me?