Hi everyone, I (39m) have been facing a dilemma with my wife Katy (32f) because of my son Bran (15m).
For starters, Bran is my son from my first marriage with Ann (39f). We met and dated in college, had Bran during our junior year, and got married not long after graduation. We were married for six years and dated for two, so all in all, we spent eight years together. Our divorce was not a big deal. We’d both realized that while we worked as a great team parenting, neither of us was genuinely happy being married to each other. We tried going on dates, spending more time together, and even going to therapy, but nothing worked, so we decided it was best for us to separate. It was all amicable, no bad mouthing, no backstabbing, or fighting for full custody. I co-own a business with one of my old college buddies. It’s successful and requires some traveling, and I made more than decent money. Despite our separation, I made sure Ann was taken care of in order to make sure that my son was taken care of. Ann kept the house, one of the cars, and we split custody of Bran. Instead of just sending a check every month, I paid for Bran’s education, healthcare, etc. Ann greatly appreciated this, and we’d always stayed on good terms even after she remarried.
Now, onto my problem. I met Katy a few years ago while at a friend’s wedding, we chatted, danced, and genuinely had a good time. I found her funny, smart, and ambitious. We exchanged numbers after that and went on a few dates before making things official after four months of getting to know each other. I was honest with Katie about my ex and my son from our 2nd date, I explained that I lived two blocks from my ex, that my son came over unannounced a lot because, well, he could. And that he came first in my life. At the time, Katy said she understood, and I believed her, especially after she met Bran for the first time, and they bonded over a shared love of Star Wars.
Skip forward, and Katy and I have been married for three years. My son was my best man at our wedding, and he has a good relationship with my wife. All was well before the topic of kids was brought up. To be honest, we talked about it before we got married. I was clear that I wasn’t too on board with having another kid. Again, Katy said she understood and said she was ok with not having kids. But two months ago, she sat me down and asked if I’d consider having a kid with her, I was a little taken aback and told her I’d think it over. My wife was a little pissy that I didn’t give her an immediate answer but said she’d give me time to think. Well, that was two months ago, and finally, last Sunday, my wife brought it up again, impatient and demanding that I give her a straight yes or no answer. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, I said no, that I saw no point in having a baby at the moment but that we should revisit the topic in another year or so. I thought it was a reasonable response, but I guess it was the wrong one. My wife blew up at me, shouting about how she’d been understanding and patient all this time, that she’d been putting up with my ‘past memories’ and accepted my flaws as a partner.
I was so shocked and confused, especially by the past memories comment, and asked her what she’d meant by that. Her explanation shocked me to my core. Turns out Katy saw my son and my ex as a flaw of mine. Apparently, they are in the way of us truly being happy. She went on to say that she’s been waiting for me to finally move on from them and put her first, which made no sense to me. Sensing my confusion, Katy kept explaining. Apparently, I should only send my ex a check monthly instead of paying for my son’s education and other important things. I let Bran come over too much, I attend events where my ex is present at such as soccer games, holidays, birthdays, and an occasional family reunion between my family and my ex’s family. Oh, and talking privately to my ex, that’s a big red flag according to my wife.
All this left me shocked. Like, how is me being a good, present dad a bad thing? How is texting my ex about big birthday gifts, school trips, and finances related to Bran a red flag? And besides, the event thing made no sense. Did she really expect me to miss out on moments with my son just cause of my ex? Whom is married?
The answer? Yes, she basically said that she wanted me to be more like a weekend dad and put her above my son because I’m her husband and she should come first in my life.
We had a huge argument, and a lot of truths she kept hidden came out. I threatened to divorce her if she kept acting like this because she’s clearly been lying to me for years about how she’s felt, and now her true colors have come out, but she blew up at me and is now staying with her parents, not answering my calls or texts. I love my wife, but my son is my main priority, and yeah, I’m friendly but respectful with my ex. We communicate through texts and see each other occasionally at the store, a soccer game, and holidays where we’re never alone together and only speak about Bran or trivial matters.
I apologize for this being so long, but I felt like putting the right information was important. So, AITA for threatening divorce after finding out how my wife actually thinks about my son?