So my son had a long-distance gf recently for about two years. She was great, a really nice girl and we all loved her welcomed her with open arms. She was flying here constantly to visit him, like a weekend a month and he didn’t lift a finger to go visit her.
I tried talking to him about it several times and told him he should really start looking into flying over to her instead of expecting her to do all the travelling. He said no. And my wife probably had something to do with it as she constantly told him she was afraid of him flying. I spoke to them both and said this girl is great for him, she was willing to move over to our country too, but said there was one condition and that was he’d have to fly over to her country too. Which is fair enough.
He said no, he didn’t want to fly or travel anywhere. My son was becoming lazier and lazier, eventually telling his gf and us that he was perfectly fine never travelling anywhere including holidays etc.
Last week, he told us she’s dumped him. I went on her fb page as we’re all still friends (she wrote us an apology letter about how she’s upset it didn’t work out but these things happen, so we’re on good terms) and looks like she’s with a new guy already. Me and my wife have no doubt she was seeing him whilst still in a relationship with my son.
I confessed to them both that I actually agree with her decision and he should have expected it. He did not treat her properly and I hope he learns lessons for the next one because he needs to make more of an effort. I said he deserves it for his lack of effort in the relationship and for essentially just allowing this girl to spend all her money and time coming here all the time.
Wife and son are very upset that I said this. Very very upset and my wife says I am being horrible.
As they both reacted with such shock and hurt, and my wife called me horrible, her voice trembling, I saw the look on my son’s face… It wasn’t just embarrassment or anger about being called out. It was that same look he had years ago after [describe the past traumatic event – e.g., his hospitalization during that family trip, the doctor telling us he couldn’t travel for a long time, the panic attack he had when we tried to fly again]. His ‘laziness,’ his absolute refusal to even consider flying or traveling anywhere, isn’t just him being difficult. It’s genuine, paralyzing anxiety stemming from that time, exacerbated by my wife’s own trauma and fear which she projected onto him. He wasn’t just being lazy; he was genuinely unable to travel, a fact that we, in our everyday lives, had started minimizing or framing as ‘just how he is’ because it was easier than addressing the deep-seated fear. The ex-girlfriend probably realized this inability was permanent and not something effort could fix, which is why it became a dealbreaker.
My “you deserved it” comment, though intended as tough love for his perceived laziness, now feels cruel because it dismissed my son’s genuine, trauma-based inability. I realized that I wasn’t just a blunt father, but one who had been blind to my own child’s underlying pain.
AITA for telling my son he deserved his long-distance girlfriend breaking up with him due to his perceived “lack of effort” in traveling, when his refusal to travel is actually a manifestation of severe anxiety stemming from a past family trauma that I may have failed to fully acknowledge or help him address?