I (45F) have a 15-year-old daughter. Her name is Maya. Maya is my daughter, but she is adopted. She came to me when she was very young, and I have raised her as my own. Maya’s biological parents were white. I am also white. Maya looks like her biological parents.
Recently, Maya started hanging out with a new group of friends at school. This group is ethnically diverse, and I was happy she was making new friends. However, I started hearing Maya say things that made me uncomfortable. She started referring to herself as “black” and talking about experiences she hasn’t actually had. She started changing her style of dress and speech to fit in more with some of her black friends.
I tried talking to Maya privately about this. I told her I understood she wanted to fit in and connect with her friends, but it was important to be truthful about who she is. I reminded her that she is white, just like her biological parents and me. I said that her claiming to be black when she is not was disrespectful to people who actually face the challenges and experiences of being black. Maya got defensive and said I didn’t understand, that she “felt” black because she connected with the culture and her friends.
Last week, Maya was at home with some of her new friends. They were talking, and I heard Maya say something like, “Well, since I’m black…” I had had enough. I walked into the room and said, “Maya, you are not black. Your biological parents were white, and you are white.”
The entire room went silent. Maya’s friends looked at her, then at me, looking very uncomfortable. Maya’s face turned red, and she yelled, “Mom! Why would you do that?! You’re awful!” She ran up to her room and slammed the door. Her friends quickly made excuses and left.
Since then, Maya hasn’t spoken to me. She says I humiliated her and ruined her friendships. My friends have mixed opinions. Some say I was right to state the truth, that Maya was being performative. Others say I was wrong to do it in front of her friends, and I hurt her deeply.
The Unexpected Twist: This whole argument has made me think back a lot. I remember conversations with Maya’s biological mother years ago. She struggled with her own sense of identity, particularly regarding her family’s side. There were whispers of a family secret, a past relationship no one talked about. Maya’s bio mom hinted that there was a more complex reason behind her looking ‘different’ from the rest of her family, something about ancestry she never fully understood or articulated. The fact that Maya, her daughter, feels such a strong connection to black identity… maybe it’s not just her friends’ influence. Maybe there is a more complex truth about Maya’s ancestry that I don’t know, a secret her biological mother might have known or suspected, and it’s manifesting in Maya.
AITA for publicly telling my 15-year-old adopted daughter, who was born to white biological parents, that she is not black in front of her friends, which humiliated her and caused her to be upset, when my action may have inadvertently dismissed a more complex truth about her ancestry that I was unaware of?