My bf and I have been together for 2 years. We live together. Everything is an “us” and nothing is a me or him when it comes to invites etc. We are basically married. Everyone in our lives views us as married. And that’s exactly the problem. Ever since the beginning of our relationship I have been clear I would like to be married within 4-5 years tops of dating someone. He was very openly on the same page. Meaning I would like to be engaged within 2 years to start wedding planning etc. and again-he was always openly on the same page.
Now here’s why I’m mad, for the past year he has dropped obvious hints about timeframes of when to expect a proposal. The time comes and goes with no proposal. Then he does it again-but doesn’t propose. He has told me he’s looked at rings, he has told me he’s made proposal plans, he has told me that it will happen by X date, then that day comes and goes with again-no proposal. It’s not a financial thing-we both make a considerable amount of money at our jobs. It’s not a commitment thing-whether we’re married or not we have financial documents that are just as much of a pain to get out of as divorce would be. I genuinely cannot understand why it has not happened yet and why he keeps falsely promising to make it happen in a certain timeframe (this has happened 4-5x in the past year) other than he’s too comfortable.
Here’s where I might be the AH. Lately we’ve been to too many friends weddings to count and seen SO many people get engaged who have been together for around the same time if not less time than we have, and I’ve called him on it. Every. Time. I see a post and I tell him so and so got engaged and it hurts that their man will propose to them but he won’t propose to me. We go to a wedding and I tell him it hurts that he says he wants to marry me but won’t take one crucial step towards it. We walk by a jewelry store and I tell him it sure would be nice to have a ring (I’m not talking thousands of dollars here-I’ve told him any stone would work as long as it’s durable). I make comments all the time about how I thought we’d be engaged by now, and about how I’m hurt that he keeps getting my hopes up for nothing. He always excuses it with something stupid like blaming it on money (again-not an issue) or saying it’ll happen when it happens, or he’ll say our families stress him out by asking when he’ll do it so he hasn’t bc of them, the main one is “why is it so important we’re already basically married”, and I’ve explained to him numerous times why it’s important to me.
Yesterday it all blew up because he introduced me as his wife (he normally does) and I told his new coworker “no, I’m his girlfriend”. He flipped out on the drive home because I embarrassed him and asked why I had to tell his coworker that. I told him “because I’m not your wife, if you want to tell people that I’m your wife then you’ll make me your wife. You don’t get the privelage of calling me your wife without the effort of making me your wife. You’re just my boyfriend until there’s a ring on my finger and a signed marriage license.” Now he’s hurt that I called him ‘just my boyfriend’. He’s also hurt that I don’t view us as married.
The Unexpected Twist: After that fight, when things cooled down a bit, I happened to see an email open on his computer, or overheard a brief phone call. It wasn’t about him not wanting to get married. It was about something else. It seems there’s a major family financial or legal issue on his side, maybe related to an old debt, or a contested property, or some complex arrangement he’s trying to sort out. And there’s a condition attached to it – maybe he has to demonstrate a certain level of financial or legal stability by a certain date, or perhaps getting married before resolving this issue would create serious legal or financial complications for us. He wasn’t lying to me about wanting to get married; he was lying to me about why he couldn’t do it right now, probably because he was embarrassed or didn’t want to worry me. The false promises weren’t about being too comfortable; they were about him genuinely thinking he was close to resolving the hidden issue and being able to propose, only for things to get delayed repeatedly.
So AITA for telling him I won’t tolerate being called his wife until I am his wife?