I (24F) live with my boyfriend (25M) in a two bedroom apartment in a major city, however, we have been fighting for almost a week because of a decision I made spitefully, and therefore, I may be TA. It’s a small apartment, impossible to avoid him for much longer, so I really need a third party opinion on the matter.
For some background, we’ve been officially dating since we moved in together two years ago when I graduated from uni, but we were hooking up for about a year before then. During that year we weren’t ‘together’, my bf (let’s call him Sam) and his best friend (let’s call him Max) were living together in this house. Max (27M) has been my bf’s friend for years and is basically like an older brother to him. We’ve never really gotten along, but please believe me I have tried. It’s just that Max never seems interested in getting to know me, or at worst gets genuinely annoyed by me interacting with him. Sam thinks it’s probably the age difference (me being 24 and him being 27) that makes him not very interested in getting to know me – but I think that if he can get on with Sam despite the 2 year age gap then what’s the problem with getting on with his girlfriend, age gap aside?
Anyway, it’s besides the point, but I think pretty relevant for the actual argument. Basically, Max recently broke up with his girlfriend and since he was living with her she (rightfully) kicked him out. Now before you ask, no I have no idea why he thought that he would still have somewhere to live after telling his landlady with benefits that he wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore – but I digress. Now Max is homeless and has asked to stay with Sam. And yes, if you’re wondering, I also live here and pay for rent and utilities (an equal amount to Sam), but I suppose Max only wanted to ask the person who’s name is on the lease?
All this aside, Sam doesn’t want Max to come and live with us again, which works for me because I wouldn’t particularly like to live with a guy who doesn’t deign to speak to me living here either. I think Sam doesn’t want him living here because he used to be a bit of a slob when they lived together (his words not mine) but I would imagine he also doesnt want another person in a small apartment. However, Sam clearly lacks the spine to say any of this to his friend so who does he use as an excuse? Yeah. Me. Apparently he told Max how he would love for him to come and live with him again (‘like in the good old days’), but his stupid girlfriend won’t let it happen.
Now I could live with this if Max could act like an adult about it, but he’s now started blowing up my phone with texts, calling me a bitch, calling me jealous, literally just random insults that don’t even address the main issue (and before you ask, they’re so specifically cruel that I am afraid if I copy and paste them in here that it will instantly become obvious who I am). I’ve shown them to Sam, but he told me just to ignore them and just do him a favour. He argued that since Max and I already don’t like each other there’s no harm in letting me take the fall for this decision.
This is where I might be the asshole, because on day 10 of receiving abusive messages from Max, instead of ignoring him or blocking him, I just told him the truth. It was late at night and I was tired and slightly tipsy from a bottle of wine, and Sam was out with Max, still enjoying his friendship despite the horrible things his friend was saying to his girlfriend. So yes, before you ask I was feeling vengeful and I think a lot of me did it out of spite. To be honest, the worst part is Max didn’t believe me and if anything it only made him angrier at me. So in a way the only thing I succeeded at doing was breaking my promise to Sam not to tell him, simply because I let Max get in my head.
After I sent the message I got a call from Sam but ignored it, going to bed. When I woke up (I assume a couple of hours later) I had an angry boyfriend in my bedroom telling me that I was an asshole (not the word he used actually) and that Max didn’t even believe me. I then asked him why it mattered so much, since Max didn’t believe me, but I think he had had one too many drinks because he couldn’t answer me and went to sleep on the couch.
It’s been a week now and we’ve been giving each other the silent treatment. Max has come over for a couple of nights, sitting on the couch and watching football with Sam and giving me a similar stink eye but I’ve just left them to it and have moved into the guest room (partially to avoid Sam, partially to stop him from letting Max sleep here). So yeah, I’m typing this on day five of the cold war, from the guest bedroom, while my boyfriend is sleeping in our bed still angry at me for ‘jeopardising his friendship’. AITAH?
But here’s where it gets weird:
A few days later, I overheard a conversation between Sam and Max that I wasn’t supposed to hear. They were in the living room, and I was passing by to get a book from the study. The door was slightly ajar, and I could hear them talking.
Max was asking Sam why he lied about me, and Sam admitted that he didn’t want to hurt Max’s feelings by telling him that he didn’t want him to live with us. He said that he knew Max was going through a hard time and didn’t want to make things worse.
But then, the conversation took a strange turn. Max started talking about how he’s “always had feelings” for me and how he “never understood why Sam chose me over him.” He said that he thought I wasn’t good enough for Sam and that he would be a better boyfriend to him than I am.
I was shocked. I had never suspected that Max had feelings for me. I always thought that he just didn’t like me because I was Sam’s girlfriend.
I stood there, frozen, listening to their conversation. I didn’t know what to do. Should I confront them? Should I tell Sam that I heard everything? Or should I just pretend like nothing happened?
Eventually, I decided to do nothing. I didn’t want to cause any more drama. I was already so tired of this whole situation. I just wanted things to go back to normal.
But things could never go back to normal again. Now I knew that Max had feelings for me, and it made me see him in a different light. I couldn’t be around him anymore without feeling weird.
And Sam? I didn’t know what to think of him anymore. He had lied to me, and he clearly valued his friendship with Max more than our relationship.
I didn’t know what was going to happen next. Should I break up with Sam? Should I move out? I didn’t know. I just knew that I needed to make a decision soon.