I’m a 45yro single father of three. Their mom died 10 years ago. I have 3 sons, 17yro Andrew, 15yro Connor and 14yro Max. Connor was born female; he is trans. He came out as trans 5 years ago and has now socially transitioned, not yet physically.
My sister (38F) just got married. Me and my sons were also invited. My family has known that Connor is trans for 2 years now; some have adjusted well, some not so much. My sister is pretty indifferent about it.
Her wedding was really super well organised to the last detail. She wanted all the men to wear shirt + tie and then women sundresses. I texted her a picture of our outfits the day before the wedding, and she said “where’s Nia’s dress?”. I was a bit surprised and told her not to deadname my son and that he’ll be wearing a shirt and tie like the rest of men there or we aren’t coming. She said “fine” and that was it.
At the reception, my sister got mad that Connor was wearing a tie, but didn’t say much after that. When we sat down at our table, the card said “Nia”. I went to my sister and she said she used “their real name”. I told her me and the boys are leaving, and she told me “don’t you dare cause a scene at MY WEDDING, Nia can be a guy any other day”. I called her a bigot and we left.
My family says I ruined her wedding.
Later, talking to [another family member, like an aunt or uncle] who was trying to mediate, they sighed and said, “Look, what [Sister’s Name] did was wrong, absolutely. But you know [Groom’s Family Name] and their traditional side. They insisted on introducing members of the family during the reception toasts using their birth names, especially for relatives who couldn’t be there or hadn’t met everyone before. They had a whole script planned. [Sister’s Name] was apparently told by [Groom’s Mother or Father] that Connor needed to be listed and introduced as ‘Nia’ for that part, or it would ‘confuse’ people and ‘ruin the flow.’ She was trying to prepare for it with the name card. Her ‘can be a guy any other day’ comment was her awful, panicked way of saying ‘this one specific event requires using that name.’ She buckled under pressure from the groom’s family, and handled it terribly.”
I still think leaving was necessary to protect Connor and enforce a boundary. But knowing that my sister’s actions stemmed from external pressure and a failure to stand up for my son (rather than just pure bigotry) complicates things, even if it doesn’t justify her behavior.
AITA for leaving my sister’s wedding after she deadnamed my trans son on the seating chart and dismissed his identity, knowing now that she might have done it under pressure from the groom’s family or traditional relatives for a specific part of the ceremony/reception, making her actions a failure to stand up for him rather than just simple bigotry?