I (M27) have a 5-year-old son. His mom, my ex, is Korean, and I’m Black. My son is a great kid—funny, creative, and full of energy. He’s got his mom’s eyes, my skin tone, and he’s just a beautiful little person. But my parents can’t seem to stop making comments about his appearance.
When he was a baby, they’d say stuff like, “He doesn’t really look like you,” or, “Why is his hair so straight?” At first, I thought they’d get over it, but the comments have only gotten worse.
Recently, my son was showing off a drawing he made, all excited to share it with them. My mom looked at it and said, “Is that supposed to be you? You gave yourself a better nose.” That was it for me. I told them I’m done listening to their constant criticism of my son. I said if they couldn’t respect him for who he is, they wouldn’t be part of his life.
My dad accused me of being disrespectful, and my mom started crying, saying I was keeping her grandson from her. Later, my sister called, saying I should apologize and “be the bigger person” because our parents are old and stuck in their ways.
I don’t think I was wrong for standing up for my son, but now I’m wondering if I went too far.
The Unexpected Twist: After the call with my sister, I was still so unsettled. I decided to call her back, hoping to get more clarity on my parents’ perspective. After some hesitation, she finally revealed a secret she’d been keeping for years. She told me that my parents had secretly done a DNA test on my son shortly after he was born. They had doubts about my relationship with my ex-wife right before we got married, or perhaps my ex-wife had a brief, unknown relationship. The DNA results… showed that my son is not biologically mine.
My parents had kept this secret for 5 years, and their comments about my son’s appearance – him not looking like me, his straight hair – weren’t about racism or general disapproval. It was their clumsy, hurtful way of trying to cope with what they believed was a deception, and their resentment towards my ex-wife. They never told me because they feared I would abandon my son or confront my ex, and they didn’t want to cause more family drama.
Hearing that turned my world upside down. The pain from my parents’ words is still there, but now it’s mixed with shock and a whole new layer of betrayal.