My dad(52m) and my mom(49f) separated nearly 8 months ago due to my dad having an affair. I(17f) understand that my dad is in the wrong and cheating is never ok but recently I’ve found myself resenting my mom due to her reaction to the divorce.
She has been putting voice recorders in all of our vehicles, including mine. There is no way to know where else these are hidden it makes me feel uncomfortable to talk out loud even in my own home. She also put cameras all around our house hoping to catch my dad since he is no longer allowed in our home. She even put one directly in front of my bedroom which has not been removed even though I told her it seemed weird to me especially since I’ve given her no reason not to trust me and didn’t see a purpose behind putting a camera there.
My dad had to buy a new phone since she could still log into his Apple ID and would go through it as well as log into his facebook and other social medias. Her email was the recovery email for all his passwords seeing as my dad has never been good with technology. Even after buying a new phone she somehow still has access to his location, I’m not sure how but I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she had an AirTag or tracker of sorts somewhere. She checks his location religiously and will leave at all hours of the day to follow him if she thinks he is going to meet another woman.
The reason I’m asking if I’m the asshole is because me and my mom recently got into an argument. I’ve had a strained relationship with her since she found out I was gay about a year ago but we are civil and just don’t talk about it. This argument started because she was questioning me about my relationship with my girlfriend(18f) and trying to tell me that she wasn’t good for me. I was annoyed with her because I try not to talk about my girlfriend around her to avoid the conflict. When she brought it up I responded without thinking and said “I don’t think you should be giving out relationship advice.” She immediately started crying and saying it wasn’t her fault and I shouldn’t hold that over her. I left the room but later we were watching TV and she reignited the issue by venting to me about dad and kept mentioning how he would probably marry “some whore” and just fully shit talking my dad to me and saying how horrible he was to her. I know she’s upset but I wish she wouldn’t vent to me about this situation because I still love my dad and would rather not be involved. I tried to just switch the topic but she doubled down so I said “it doesn’t really matter who he marries.” This upset her and she accused me of not caring at all that they split and then told me I was just like him and didn’t have any emotions. At this point I was angry with her and I said I would rather be like my dad than her and I could understand why dad would want to be with someone else.
Now she is accusing me of siding with my dad and excusing his actions.
The Unexpected Twist: After that fight, when I was alone, I happened to find an old box in my mom’s closet. Inside were old letters, journals, and photos. It wasn’t about this recent affair. It was about a pattern. It seems my dad has cheated multiple times over the years, not just this once. And each time, my mom knew, or suspected, and tried to keep it quiet because of [insert a specific reason, e.g., family pressure, financial dependence, or a deep-seated belief in maintaining appearances]. The letters from years ago showed my mom agonizing over it, trying to ‘fix’ him, and covering things up. Her current behavior – the paranoia, the tracking – isn’t just a reaction to this affair. It’s a breakdown after years of betrayal and suppression, an eruption of accumulated pain and distrust. Her extreme reaction to me saying ‘it doesn’t matter who he marries’ wasn’t just about me not sympathizing with her current pain; it was me inadvertently trivializing the severity of a pattern of betrayal that has been destroying her for decades.
AITA for telling my mom I’d “rather be like my dad than her” and that I “could understand why dad would want to be with someone else” during an argument about their divorce, which devastated her and led her to accuse me of siding with my dad, when her current extreme behavior is likely the culmination of years of enduring my dad’s repeated infidelity that I was unaware of, and my words inadvertently hit that deep wound?