d very wrong and he refused to admit that he was in the wrong. So, later that night I forced my son to write a sincere apology to the delivery driver, (his name was on the receipt) as well as write a one page paper on Chinese culture and a one page paper on why racism is perpetuated by racist jokes and stereotypes. Then the next day I took him to the restaurant and had him read his apology aloud to the delivery driver as well as give him the papers he wrote. The driver was very appreciative of the apology and thanked me for making my son do it. He then told my son about multiple instances where he had faced racist comments and attacks from people while he was a delivery driver.
That night my husband (43M) and I got into an argument about me making our son do this. He told me that it was embarrassing for our son to have to do the apology and that the “punishment didn’t fit the crime”. I told him that it was much more embarrassing for the driver to have to face that kind of racism and racist stereotypes and that our son would get over the embarrassment. I do not condone any kind of hateful thinking in my house, and the fact that my son said that embarrassed me as well. My husband told me that it was “just a joke” and it wasn’t that big of a deal. I feel like I might have over reacted some but I think it’s important to help my son understand how what he said was wrong and hurtful.
As my husband argued that it was ‘just a joke,’ something clicked. I remembered hearing his uncle make a similar comment about a different group at a family dinner a few months ago, and my husband had just chuckled and let it pass. Or the way he sometimes uses casual stereotypes without thinking. It hit me that my son didn’t pull that comment out of thin air. He likely heard it, or similar dismissive language, from my husband, or from that side of the family, where it’s normalized as ‘harmless teasing.’ My husband’s intense defensiveness wasn’t just about protecting our son; it was about protecting that very behavior that he (or his family) engages in.
My punishment might have been harsh, but I suddenly realized I wasn’t just fighting my son’s ignorance, but a subtle pattern of racist thinking that’s being enabled right within my husband’s family.
AITA for giving my 13M son a significant punishment and public apology after he made a racist comment to a delivery driver, when my husband thinks it was “just a joke,” but I suspect my son learned that behavior from my husband or his family?