I’ll start by saying that the money I give my ex is for my kids (11, 13, 16). I do not pay a set amount of child support every month but I support my kids. My ex and I worked out something between ourselves, had lawyers look it over, rhen filed those documents with the court. Our arrangement is legal. At the end of each month my ex and I meet to discuss the upcoming months expenses. Rent, food, school, health insurance, extra curriculars. Whatever expense is needed for the kids, we sit down and discuss it. Some months my kids need more, some months they don’t. I also put money away each month for emergencies. Like when my ex broke her leg and I covered her while she was off work. Or when her mom died and she couldn’t afford to pay for her and the kids to fly to her hometown so I paid for the kids. My ex goes the extra mile for me too when I need it. When my parked car was written off by some kids joyriding, she gave me her car to use until I got another. Or when me and my wife had to isolate during the pandemic because we had covid, my ex did our shopping for us and brought it all over with some homecooked meals for both of us. This is the type of co-parenting relationship we have and I’m not willing to change it. This works for us. More importantly, it works for our kids.
My wife has 2 kids (16, 18) and her relationship with their dad is toxic. They can’t breathe the same air without ending up at each other’s throats. It’s her fault as much as his. They both point fingers at each other as to who was at fault for the end of their relationship, neither of them are willing to put aside their crap for the kids. It’s better for everyone if they avoid each other. Early on in our relationship my wife tried to involve me. I told her that wasn’t happening. Her kids love their dad as much as they love their mom. For them, I wasn’t going to make an enemy of a man I really didn’t know. Now that I know him I know he’s a good guy.
The problem with the money I give my ex started earlier this year. My wife’s ex lost his job. He has another but it doesn’t pay as much. His child support was reduced because of his change in income, then reduced again when the eldest turned 18. I never asked how much he paid in child support or what my wife did with the money she tecieved for the kids. In my mind that was between her and her ex, like the arrangement I have with my ex is between her and me. The kids were taken care of, they didn’t lack for anything, and she never asked me to help cover anything for the kids besides what I would normally pay for as being dependents living under my roof so I didn’t need to know anything more than that. But now she says she’s not getting enough, and doesn’t have enough for things like getting her hair done, spa days, paying for her insurance, her phone, putting gas in her car, and she needs me to cover her. I have a set amount of money that comes in every month and every dollar is accounted for. I pay what I need for my kids, I pay my mortgage on time, I pay my bills on time, I make sure there is food in the refrigerator and the cupboards, I pay all my insurances, I pay everything I have to pay. That’s a lot of money for necessities going out every month. I don’t have a lot left for savings once that’s all gone. But my wife wants what’s left, and she wants me to cut back on what I give my ex.
What I don’t understand is where is all her money? She works part time, she still gets support for one child, she doesn’t pay anything towards the household unless we count the takeout dinners she brings home once or twice a month. So, where is her money?
We’ve been fighting for months now about money. I view her demands for the money I give my ex as her wanting to take from my kids. She used to have a great relationship with my kids now she treats them as though they’re impediments to getting what she sees as rightfully hers. I’ve told her repeatedly over the past few months that I’m not going to allow my kids to go without so she can get her nails done. Our last argument she told me my attitude needed to change, that I need to start putting her first, or she’ll rethink whether or not she wants to remain married to me. In anger I told her to call her lawyer after she moves the fuck out of my house.
Am I in the wrong here? AITA?
Edit – addressing some things that have come up in the comments rather than answering each comment individually.
my wife and I agreed, before marriage, that our finances would be kept separate. We discussed her contributing to the mortgage but ultimately decided against it because 1) it’s my house, and 2) if I die it goes to my kids. This lead to discussions, and ultimately decisions regarding finances and a prenup. We decided together that we would keep our finances separately. The reason for this was…
before marriage my wife owned her own business and lived comfortably on her own income. She had her own money, her own assets, and rightfully wanted to protect that for her and her children. This plus our agreement about our finances is why I didn’t question where her money was going. She didn’t monitor my money, why would I keep an eye on hers? She did contribute financially towards the household pre pandemic. I apologize for not mentioning that and giving everyone the impression that she never contributed. Unfortunately she had to close her doors permanently due to the pandemic and her business never recovered. This is when I took over all household expenses. When she gained employment, because it was only part time, I continued paying all our expenses.
I think another apology is needed for implying my wife uses the child support she recieves for frivolous things such as spa days. She wants money for those things, but I can’t say she has used the child support for those things. The payments have been reduced twice. For all I know her money no longer covers her beauty needs because she’s using it for her kids. I would hope it’s that, and if it is that she could share that with me. I can’t help her if I don’t know why she needs help.
I did say in my post that her kids are taken care of. They have never missed out on anything, and I was never called upon to pay for anything for them except for the home we all live in, the utilities they used in the home we live in, and the food they are free to eat anytime in the home we live in. I also bought birthday gifts, Christmas gifts for them, same as my wife did for my kids prior to this being stirred up.
my wife knew the arrangement with my ex prior to marriage. She didn’t show any aversion to it. She in fact admired the civil relationship we were able to maintain.
I know that the co-parenting relationship I have with my ex is not usual, is in fact unusual. I have family and friends that struggle with co-parenting with their exs. So my wife’s relationship with her ex didn’t send up any red flags. Comments in this very post suggest toxic relationships people have with exs, or reference what they witnessed/experienced with their own divorced parents. Red flags don’t always show themselves, and, frankly, people can change. My wife now is not my wife from even a year ago.
-I don’t financially support my ex, I support my kids. In everything they need. Yes, I contribute to my exs rent. Because I want my kids in a decent apartment, in a decent neighborhood, and my ex can’t afford that without my help. I also want my kids to eat nutritious meals so I give my ex money to make sure they’re getting fresh vegetables and fruits, so they can eat meat and fish that’s not processed or comes in a can, and this means she’s home in time to cook for our kids. My ex doesn’t have to work long, exhausting hours to live in a crap apartment in a crap part of town or fill my kids up on crap food for convenience sake. That they live well, eat well is important to me. The same goes with their schooling, the extra curriculars, their health needs, anything and everything they need. I don’t pay for it all on my own, but because I pay what I do my kids can have the best their mother and I can afford. Before anyone asks, yes, my stepkids also get the same good home and good food from me. I’m not filling them up on fast food and snacks that have little nutritional value while my kids get proper food.
I really don’t see why the amount I give my ex for my kids matters. I would give my kids 100% of my paycheck if they needed it even if that meant I have to live in my car and cook ramen on a butane burner in a park at night. Not that that would ever happen. My ex would let me sleep on her couch if it ever came to that.
as for my ex and why we broke up. Sometimes things don’t work out for whatever reason. Sometimes people get along much better as friends than they do as a couple.
from the comments I’ve read because there are already too many for me to get through right now, no one is saying anything about my stepkids apart from they need to get jobs. I want to say that my stepkids are great kids. Just putting that out there.
The Unexpected Twist: After that argument, as I was reflecting on my wife’s financial situation and her shift in attitude, I happened to find an old letter in her mail, or overheard a brief phone conversation. It wasn’t about her hiding money. It was about a major, old debt she had incurred from her previous business, a debt she had kept hidden from me. It seems she had been trying to pay it off herself, but with her reduced income and child support cuts, she was drowning. Her demands for money weren’t for frivolous spending; they were a desperate attempt to stay afloat financially and avoid bankruptcy, something she was too ashamed or afraid to tell me.