I (34F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 8 years. We have two kids (6 and 4), a house, a decent life. Nothing flashy, just solid. Or so I thought.
About a month ago, I was organizing old photos on our shared computer and stumbled across a folder buried in a backup drive. It was from around 2019. Most of it was boring stuff—receipts, work docs—until I found a screenshot of a hotel confirmation… and a few blurry, very personal selfies that were very much not taken by me. Same timestamp. My stomach dropped.
I confronted him that night. He looked like a ghost. Didn’t even deny it. He admitted everything. He had a six-month affair with a coworker during a rough patch in our marriage (our oldest was a newborn, we were sleep-deprived, fighting constantly, etc). According to him, it ended completely when she moved out of state and he never told me because “it was over and wouldn’t happen again.”
And… it hasn’t. He’s been, by all accounts, a great partner since then. Supportive, affectionate, hands-on dad, loyal—at least from everything I could see. I had no idea.
But now I feel like my whole life is a lie. The memories I thought were happy—our anniversary trip, our baby’s first steps, even the night we conceived our second kid—all happened while he was lying to me.
I left to stay with my sister for a bit. I told him I don’t know what I want. I’m angry, heartbroken, humiliated. He’s begging for forgiveness, saying he was stupid and selfish and that he thought he was “protecting me from pain.” His family knows and they’re begging me not to “throw everything away over something that’s been dead for years.”
Even my own mom said, “If he’s been good to you since, is it worth destroying your kids’ home over the past?”
But it still happened. And I still just found out. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I can’t look at him without feeling betrayed all over again. I didn’t get to process this when it happened. I get to process it now. And it feels fresh, even if it’s not.
So… AITA for blowing up my marriage over an affair that technically ended years ago?
(Sorry for the repost my old post got taken down because it is about a relationship)
All comment answer 👇
GrouchyYoung
NTA. Your kids will be fine. Your husband abandoned, disrespected, dishonored, and humiliated you. He took away your right to informed consent to your own life—would you have had a second kid knowing he’d cheated? Etc.
allergymom74
NTA. It’s a new betrayal to you. And it was during an extremely vulnerable time in your life, newly post partum. He should have been focusing on being a new dad.
It’s “great” he’s been a perfect husband since then but that doesn’t make up for the fact that he didn’t tell you himself and that he did it.
Can you work this out? Only you can decide that. I’d take a little time to figure that out. How much work is HE willing to do to rebuild trust? Just saying I’ve been a good husband since then is bare minimum. Saying he only did it because you guys were sleep deprived isn’t taking accountability. And he only ended it because she moved. That isn’t the feel good resolution.
It’s a new hurt. Sit. Think. Get some counseling for yourself. And go from there.
sixdigitage
I don’t know if I would say blowing up your marriage. You just discovered this and you have to process it. He processed it years ago.
There are some people who feel the need that they have to confess because they feel so guilty and then they tell their partner or they tell a friend and they put that guilt on another person. If you want a reason that he didn’t tell you, you could use that. Although, he didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to end his marriage.
I do hope you do counseling. Couples counseling, yes. Individual counseling most likely.
This is a shock to your system. This is a shock to who you see yourself as. This is a shock to who you see him as.
This is a trust issue. This is an issue of how you feel about yourself.
Yes, you can rehash everything in your mind. You can try to do the minutes where you were where he was the kids what you were doing who was he thinking about? You can literally drive yourself crazy.
You need to stop and try to stop doing that. Not because of him, not because of anyone else but all because of you.
You are not crazy. You sound like a grounded person. Continue to be that person.
This is why I say get into counseling so you can continue to be who you know you are.
Unfortunately, you now have this added event of your life. It will change you. It has already changed you. But please try to keep the person you were too.
That woman, that mother, that wife, is very important not to your husband, not to your children, but to you. After that is important to your children. Of course after this is important to your husband. But he really does not get a saying this right now does he? If he ever does. He did that not you. He did that, not your children. He did that, not the person he had an affair with.
Is your mother, correct? Do those words have value to you? Is your mother telling you indirectly that she has experienced something similar?
See if I’m writing I’m going on and on and on, I’m sorry.
I simply want you to know, that you are doing something to survive. You are doing something to push yourself forward and a situation and a life, that you did not want no expect. This is not something you wake up tomorrow or next week and act like nothing ever happened. You cannot go back and undo opening up a folder on a computer.
That is done that is complete that is finished.
The discovery is not.
The admission is not.
The logic of whatever everyone is saying to you, is valid, correct?
They are missing one crucial aspect, this is all new to you. It is not as if it happened last week and you decided to sleep with your husband tonight and live as if it never happened and you have forgiven him.
Again, counseling. You are in crisis.
Remind yourself of that. You are in crisis.
Please try not to let that upset you by what I just said.
A person in crisis should receive professional help by those who have been professionally trained, and have the certifications to help you heal.
I do not know what that means going forward for you. Everyone can tell you what they want for you, for him, for your children, for your family.
As you said, you don’t know yet. This is because you are in crisis!
Please, please, please, get yourself into counseling. The sad part is it only lasts about 45 minutes to an hour at a time, but the continuance of those meetings can help you settle yourself so you can make a decision that is best for yourself and subsequently your family.
We do not know each other, but I am pulling for you.