Throwaway. I (42F) have two nieces Flo (14F), Ivy (11F) and a nephew Ryan (10M) through my bro Tom (46M) and SIL Kate (45F). Flo and Ivy are biologically theirs and they adopted Ryan two years ago after fostering him for three years. I live locally to them, we are super close usually and have my own daughter Ava (12F) who my nieces are close to.
Before foster care, Ryan’s life was awful and he has some behavioural and developmental issues. He struggles to sit through long things such as shows quietly, whether it be in the theatre or the girls’ plays/ recitals so the girls rarely have both parents supporting them. His behaviour is sometimes pretty unpredictable and he sometimes has pretty loud and physical meltdowns so they have to be careful where they take him. As such whenever me/hubby take Ava to the theatre or other activities which Ryan wouldn’t like, we bring the girls along too. Sometimes Tom and Kate pay for them, sometimes we do. We have never bought Ryan out without his parents and sisters because he has really different interests to the girls, I don’t feel confident handling his behaviour and Flo and Ivy have expressed that they really value the Ryan-free time. I’ve made extra effort to be there since then; Ryan’s a great kid but he needs a lot of attention and my nieces need people who are 100% in their corner.
Anyways, I do spend quality time with Ryan. We live a 15 min walk away so go to their house often. Me, Ryan and Tom if he’s around build a lot of Lego as it’s a shared hobby and I get him a new set every birthday and Christmas, and it’s a running joke as he spends a lot of time guessing which one. I like this quality time as it’s accessible and his parents are around. I just book days out around my daughter’s interests, which happen to be the exact opposite of his. She’s a really artsy girly girl who likes the theatre, shopping, museums, movie nights and slumber parties while he’s into lego, video games and anything martial arts.
Anyways, I am taking the girls to a Christmas theme park in London on Friday. It’s quite an expensive one (UK readers, if you know, you know) and I have the joy of footing the bill for all three. On Sunday, I got a call from Kate asking if Ryan could come with us on Friday. He had seen adverts and heard the girls talking about it, and wants to go. She offered to pay for whatever he did. I told Kate no as I didn’t know what he was like in crowds, she said he went two years ago and loved it, and his sisters were there to help him if he was struggling. I said that wasn’t fair on them, I booked it as a girl’s trip and it is supposed to be a treat and I don’t want it getting cut short and I don’t feel comfortable parentifying the girls. I know Tom’s taking Ryan to London next week so told Kate to book tickets on that day, but by that point she wasn’t listening. She criticised me for insinuating siblings caring for eachother was parentifying me, and accused me of being ableist as Ryan can’t help his conditions and shouldn’t be excluded, as well has being biased against the kid I’m not related to. It got very fiery and ended with me saying read the room, it’s a girls day and her hanging up.
Anyways, she went to the girls and said either they ask me for Ryan to come or they can’t go. Flo texted me begging to not let him come and asking if they can still join us, while Ivy is more torn up as she doesn’t want her brother to be left out but also doesn’t want to risk her day being ruined. My mother, Tom and sister have contacted me saying I should bring Ryan as to not show favourites and to be inclusive. Husband is on my side.
The Unexpected Twist: After that argument, Tom called me privately. He wasn’t angry. His voice was tired. He said, “Look, [My Name]… Kate… she’s trying. You know that trip to the theme park two years ago? The one where he ‘loved it’? He had a massive meltdown there. The lights, the noise, the crowds… it triggered him. It was related to [mention a specific, painful detail about Ryan’s past before adoption, e.g., being locked in a small, dark space, being left alone in a noisy environment, or witnessing violence in a chaotic setting]. That theme park trip was a nightmare, but Kate read something about exposure therapy, and she believes taking him back there, with support, might help him process it. That’s why she’s pushing so hard. She doesn’t just want him included; she’s trying to heal him the way she thinks is best, even if it’s hard on everyone else.”