My boyfriend Mark (27M) and I (25F) have been dating for two years now. Our relationship is generally great, we click on many levels. We’ve reached the stage where attending each other’s social events is pretty standard.
This weekend, there was a gathering for a colleague on my team who is leaving. It wasn’t a big party or anything formal, just an informal get-together at our team lead’s house. When I got the invitation, I noticed it explicitly stated “no plus-ones” for people at my level/for this specific event. I thought this was a little odd, as some other colleagues are able to bring partners to other events, but I figured maybe this one was smaller scale.
I told Mark about the gathering and that I’d be going. He immediately got a little upset. He asked why he wasn’t invited. I explained that it was the rule for the gathering and he wasn’t the only partner not invited. But he still felt excluded and asked if they just “didn’t like” him. I tried to reassure him that wasn’t the case, maybe it was just due to limited numbers.
I felt a bit guilty going without him, as we usually support each other in these sorts of things. However, I felt obligated to go to show respect for the leaving colleague and maintain good relationships with the team. The gathering was only a few hours, I figured Mark would get over it.
I went to the gathering, and it was quite relaxed. We chatted, laughed, and wished the colleague well. While having a separate conversation with my team lead about the leaving colleague’s future plans, I casually asked if the no plus-one rule was just due to space limitations.
My team lead looked a little awkward. She said that for most people, it was fine, but for me, there was a slightly more specific reason. She said that my leaving colleague had explicitly requested that Mark not be invited. I was really surprised. That colleague and Mark don’t even know each other, or so I thought.
My team lead cleared her throat and explained further. “I’m sorry Sarah, I thought Mark would have told you. [Leaving colleague’s name] was the [detail the unexpected past connection or negative interaction Mark had with this colleague, e.g., person who reported Mark for unethical behavior at Mark’s previous company, leading to Mark’s firing/major trouble, or the person Mark significantly screwed over/caused major financial loss to in a project/deal years ago, or someone Mark dated and broke up with very badly years ago]. He moved to work here partly to get away from Mark after that. He knew you were dating Mark. He just didn’t want to face Mark again, especially at his leaving do.”
Hearing that completely threw me off guard. Mark never told me any of this. He just said his old job wasn’t a good fit and he found a better opportunity. He never mentioned having any serious conflict that would cause someone to relocate just to avoid him.
I felt incredibly awkward, both for having gone to the gathering at all, and for discovering such a huge secret about Mark that he had kept from me, and that it was bad enough to make a colleague explicitly request his exclusion from a small get-together.
AITAH for going to a work gathering without my boyfriend, which resulted in me discovering an uncomfortable and unexpected truth about his past that he hid from me, explaining the real reason for his exclusion?