I (36F) have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He was very upfront from the beginning about having three kids (6, 8, and 12), and that he lived with his parents because childcare was expensive, so they helped out. He also owns a home but wasn’t living there at the time.
About six months into dating, I moved into his house. Since he was staying with his parents, the house was empty, and I figured it would help me save money on rent. Over time, I had a few phone conversations with his kids, and a few months later, he invited me on their family vacation. The trip went well, and everything seemed fine.
Then, at the end of July, I lost my job. What I didn’t fully grasp then was that the timing of my unemployment was crucial for him. Around the same time, he decided — without really consulting me — that he was moving his kids back into his house and transferring them to the local school district. It turns out, his custody case proceedings (which ran from Oct 24 to Jan 25, as I mentioned) heavily relied on him demonstrating a stable home environment with consistent adult supervision during the day to contrast with the mothers’ situations. My losing my job in July and being unemployed for those critical months provided the window he needed to prove that stability. He didn’t just decide to move them in; he had to, and having an unemployed adult living there was key evidence for his case. I felt blindsided by this huge decision, especially because it meant a drastic shift in our living situation. I went from living alone in his house to suddenly being in a full house with three kids, no job, and no real conversation about what this change meant for us.
The next thing I knew, schools and doctors were calling me about appointments, and when I confronted him about it, I found out he had put me on their HIPPAs without even asking me. This wasn’t just about him wanting a live-in helper; it was necessary paperwork for the court to show I was integrated into the kids’ care routine, demonstrating a stable household for the custody judge. He expected me to take them to every doctor’s appointment, every school event, and basically step into a full-time parental role. On top of that, he expected the house to be cleaned and dinner to be cooked — all in exchange for him paying my monthly bills, which totaled $675.
It didn’t stop there. His youngest would wake up with night terrors like clockwork, and I was always the one getting up with her, not him. His 8-year-old (then 7) would kick and hit my pets. His 12-year-old was super lazy with no responsibilities. The kids were consistently disrespectful, and I felt like I was drowning in a situation I never signed up for.
And before anyone asks — where are the mothers? At the time, he only had sole custody of one child. From October 24 to January 25, legal proceedings began, and because I resided in the home, a judge court-ordered me to provide a nail drug test for his custody case. It was after that he was awarded sole custody of his two youngest kids.
I also want to point out that while I lived in his home, I contributed to the household bills, like the electric and even part of the mortgage. I bought a new dishwasher and spent $3,000 on a shed to store belongings on the property. When I lost my job, I was only unemployed for two months before instant “mom” mode was activated, and I feel like he knew that wasn’t enough time to build a cushion of savings.
Since being in this situation, I’ve started going to therapy twice a month and even had to get medicated just to deal with the stress from his kids. The one bright side is that I’ve managed to get a full-time job and will be moving into my own place next month, but in the meantime, the house has become incredibly hostile.
I ultimately decided to leave because I felt overwhelmed and unheard. I wasn’t against him having his kids, but I wish we had discussed it more as a couple. He thinks I overreacted and abandoned him when he needed support the most. I feel like I was thrown into a situation I was never ready for.
AITA for leaving my boyfriend and his three kids after 1.5 years of dating, when he unilaterally moved them into the home I was living in (his empty house), expected me to take on a full-time parental role for minimal contribution, and involved me in his custody case (requiring a drug test) where my presence and availability while unemployed likely served as key evidence for him gaining sole custody of his youngest children?