My wife (32F) and I (34M) have been married for six years. A few weeks ago, I found out she cheated on me with a coworker. She swore it “meant nothing” and blamed me for it, saying I’ve been emotionally distant and not giving her enough attention.
For context, I work long hours because I’m the main provider. She works part-time by choice because she wanted more free time for herself. I never complained about that—I just wanted her to be happy. But now she says my long work hours made her feel “neglected” and “unwanted,” so she “fell into” an affair.
I told her cheating is a choice, not an accident. If she was unhappy, she could have talked to me instead of sleeping with someone else. She keeps crying and saying she regrets it, but I don’t feel sorry for her. I feel betrayed. She’s mad that I won’t even consider working through it and says I’m “throwing away our marriage over one mistake.”
She says my long work hours made her feel ‘neglected’ and ‘unwanted,’ so she ‘fell into’ an affair. My long hours are because I’m the main provider, supporting our household, especially since she works part-time by choice because she wanted more free time. What she doesn’t mention is why my income has to be so high, or why my hours are so long. It’s because she wanted the house in the expensive neighborhood she fell in love with. We talked about this; we both agreed that I would take on a more demanding career/work longer hours to achieve this lifestyle/own this house she really wanted. My long hours and the ‘distance’ she felt are the direct result of our choices, choices heavily influenced by her desires for how we live and where we live.
I don’t think I owe her forgiveness, but some friends and even her family say I should at least try to fix things instead of “giving up so easily.”
I still feel betrayed and don’t feel I’m in the wrong for refusing to forgive her actions, especially when she tries to shift blame onto me. Knowing that the ‘neglect’ she cites is a consequence of sacrifices I made to provide for the very lifestyle and home she strongly desired only solidifies my stance.
AITA for refusing to forgive my wife for cheating after she blamed her affair on my long work hours and emotional distance, when those long hours are necessary to support the lifestyle we chose together, a lifestyle heavily influenced by her desires and her choice to work part-time?