So I (28M) moved in with my girlfriend (23F) three months ago, we’ve been together for seven months, it’ll be eight just after christmas. We moved in together so quickly because my lease was ending and we knew we didn’t want to want a whole year to move in together.
Before moving in she told me my share was $400 a month plus half of utilities and half groceries. Which I happily paid, but we’ve had several arguments along the way. I don’t know the total of her mortgage but it was a slum before she did renovations so I imagine it was pretty cheap.
Firstly, she was upset with me not doing chores. I don’t see a problem with the house getting a little messy, but she told me to help out or pay an extra $100 a month to cover her time of “playing maid”. I paid the extra $100 and that was that. Though I find it ridiculous that she expects the place to be clean all the time and I could’ve put that money to use in many better ways. It’s not like I’m a slob but she doesn’t like dishes left in the sink, she expects them to be immediately washed or put in the dishwasher. She wants things cleaned as they happen so it feels like there’s no relaxing.
Then I wanted to get a dog. My girlfriend already has a dog of her own, one of the small breeds, he’s 14 so he’s not very playful or energetic, just a boring guy. I found a puppy I fell in love with, she was a purebred english mastiff and gorgeous. I told my girlfriend and she flat out said no, that she didn’t want another dog in the house bothering hers and she definitely didn’t want a puppy to ruin her newly remodeled house. I thought a nice compromise would be a cat, and she claimed she’s allergic but she’s never mentioned any allergies before. So there’s yet another thing I get no say in. It’s not like her dog is going to be around much longer, we could just keep the puppy separate from him until then. I’m sure after her dog passes she would find another excuse to not let me get a dog.
Finally I found out she owns the house. I had been under the impression she was renting, but she is instead paying a mortgage. I discovered this when I was checking the mail and found a reminder from her bank. When I confronted her she claimed she thought I knew because we were together when she was remodeling. I told her it was ridiculous for me to pay her rent when it’s her house, and this lead to a long and heated argument. I asked to be put on the title since I was helping her pay for it and she snickered and told me no. I told her I wouldn’t be paying anymore, she asked if I wanted help packing or if I could handle it myself. I asked her what she meant and she said I can help pay or I can find elsewhere to live. I asked if our relationship was over and she said we could continue to pursue it without living together. Naturally I flipped out because if we can’t live together then we have no future together. She doesn’t seem to care in the slightest and told me she expects me out by the end of the week. She locks me out of our bedroom so I’m stuck on the couch, she sits boxes and bags with my belongings in the hall every so often.
When I asked to be put on the title… she snickered and told me no. Her face hardened, and she said something I didn’t really get at the time, like, “You think this is just some apartment? You have no idea what I went through to make this place livable again.” I was too angry to think about it much then. It wasn’t until later, maybe talking to someone else or just remembering things she’d vaguely mentioned… I started piecing together vague things she’d mentioned about ‘the house fire years ago,’ or ‘losing everything,’ or ‘how hard it was to get things back on track.’ I realized that this wasn’t just a cheap fixer-upper she renovated. This was her family’s home, maybe, destroyed, and she bought it back or rebuilt it from ruin. The renovations weren’t just cosmetic; they were rebuilding after a trauma. Her strictness about cleanliness, about a puppy ruining things, about protecting her space… it’s not just being uptight. It’s genuine fear of losing it again or seeing it damaged after she fought to get it back. That $400 plus the extra probably wasn’t just “rent”; it was likely essential payments related to saving or rebuilding this place after a tragedy.
When I called my mom she told me I was being ridiculous and a “brat” but I feel like that might be because she doesn’t want me to move back home as the lease I had at my apartment ended when I moved in with my girlfriend so I think I need some outside perspective. As of now our relationship has ended, and my belongings are outside while i’m staying in a motel, but I am open to trying to recover our relationship.
I’ve edited to add some clarification and elaboration to show I’m not a pos. We might not be compatible or maybe we’re both the problem, I don’t know.
AITA for refusing to pay my girlfriend ‘rent’ (mortgage contribution) after discovering she owned the house, demanding to be put on the title, and causing our cohabitation/relationship to end, when her strictness about the house and her refusal to share ownership are likely deeply tied to the property having been her family’s home that she saved or rebuilt after a traumatic event, making it profoundly significant to her?